For more information on the topic of the poems in this post, look HERE.
Today’s post is a little different from the ones I’ve done in the past. Instead of writing a large amount of text about an idea or topic, today I’ll like to write about poetry. Not just any poems, though, but two that were written by my hands on the topic of meltdowns. I’d like to share these poems with the people who haven’t read them, and then explain the thoughts, ideas and story behind them. The topic matter itself will not be discussed in this post, since that’s worthy of its own full post in the future. Just a preface, I’m not a poet, and my poems are mediocre at best, but then again I say that about this blog and you all seem to like it anyway.
Most know of meltdowns as loud and flailing,
as the world gets too much to bare.
This is not the case with me.
You don’t notice anything visually or audibly,
Moreso the lack of visuals and audio.
Still aware of things though, hyperaware, even.
I could hear the things directed at me but couldn’t respond to them.
The disconnect between my mind and body
as they would not work together;
So much for Mind over Matter.
Imagine that you can’t talk
and that moving is beyond your ability.
Amplify your senses so all is twice as much,
all you hear, see, feel, and know becomes more than it was,
so you find it difficult to make sense of them
as they blur and lose any meaning they once may have had.
This is quite an abstract poem, and as such it doesn’t follow any predefined structure. The reason for this resembles an answer to one of my English Essays, which is peculiar (You will get your post on school soon, Claire, don’t worry). This is an example of what the meltdown does – a self-demonstrating feature if you will. During this period, the structure of my mind that keeps me functioning and able to cope with the world crumbles and leaves me weak and without protection from the world.
Interestingly, the story behind this particular poem is actually related to my English Essays. The poem itself was adapted from a written explanation that I gave for a rather bad meltdown that I experienced on public transport that I was taking with a friend. That day I had an English Literature exam, and had planned to meet up for the return bus towards home. However, the exam went horribly to the point where I’m discussing the potential for special consideration being given. As you may imagine, this meant that after the exam, my brain just didn’t work. Combine this with the fast and loud thing that is our world, and you have the ingredients for a meltdown.
I sit here as my hands tremble
I wait for the words to assemble
but they don’t
My vision blurs and colours fade
sound becomes noise, my ears betrayed
as everything loses meaning
No longer can I speak a word
my thoughts I fail to herd
The second poem (with a slightly altered structure to the version I posted on Twitter (explained in a moment)) is more predictable in its structure – two lines with rhyming couplets and then a section that doesn’t fit. There’s no actual reason behind that, but there is a reason for the odd punctuation used. The poem uses no punctuation until the last 3 lines, to emphasise what it means there. The 3 pieces used (A comma (,), an ellipsis (…) and a full stop (.) respectively) demonstrate the meaning of that particular section. It talks about the slowing down of thought processes and abilities, and the punctuation reflects that, slowing down the sentence in an increasing manner with each instance.
The story behind this poem is based upon an important fact about me, which is my obsession with computers. Everything about computers fascinates me, which combined with my tendency to learn about the things I like means I know a great deal about them. I own a computer myself, a rather expensive and powerful one, and like to spend time ensuring it runs efficiently and quietly. However, with great computing power comes great cooling requirements, and therefore my PC contains quite a lot of fans. To have them running quietly requires careful temperature management (as this affects fan speed) and to keep the machine free of dust. To do this, I use highly compressed air, as it is quite effective at this.
However, this process is incredibly loud. Imagine a jet engine at maybe 100m away, and you’ll get the general idea. Therefore, I normally wear strong ear protection, to prevent it from causing massive problems. Normally… The last time I did this, on the 26th of May, I forgot to wear such protection and the aforementioned “massive problems” occurred.
As soon as this happened, I could tell that I was going to go into a meltdown, something I can’t normally do. The only times I’ve been able to do that in the past are the ones where the meltdown is rather severe, and that was the case with this incident. It was no normal meltdown though; instead it presented itself as two separate meltdowns separated by about a 5-10 minute break. So during the first 10 minutes, I took the things I felt and transcribed them into a poem, and then melted down for the first time. In the break between the two, I posted this on Twitter.
So there you have it, two poems and some analysis and back story to go with them. As I said, I’m not a poet, and therefore these could’ve been much better, but oh well. Thanks for reading.
This is Charlie, signing out.